Samuel Johnson may have regarded puns as the lowest form of wit, but I agree with Jonathan Swift: “Punning is a talent which no man affects to despise, but he that is without it.” Where lies the best pun in the English-speaking world? Journalists obsess over this. The world could be ending tomorrow; that would be of infinitely less concern to a bunch of hacks than which of them could produce the wittiest pun about it before deadline.

The best ones stand the test of time. I remember in 2000 – as I was starting my first article for the Kent Messenger (a village news column about lost cats or, on one fast-paced news day, a lost parrot) – I had my first envy pang at a reporter’s pun. The ill-fated Millennium Dome was hosting an art exhibition. The headline? “Dome Is Where the Art Is”. That pang returned this month when the Sydney Morning Herald’s piece about authors on Twitter spawned a doozy: “Thought and Tweet”.

Mostly, though, we writers don’t write our headlines. That pleasure is left to subeditors and people like David Marsh, who edits this blog and will write the headline you see above. [He didn’t: Gary wrote it himself. Editor.] David’s nomination for the best headline of them all is the Sun’s “Super Caley go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious”, which echoed the Liverpool Echo’s earlier “Super Cally goes ballistic, QPR atrocious”. (It helps to know that “Cally” is the former footballer Ian Callaghan, and “Caley” are the team Inverness Caledonian Thistle.)

While editors argue who punned it best, my suspicion is that there is probably a Chinese restaurant in Hull outdoing them all, proving itself truly worthy of its City of Culture accolade. Because it’s outside newsrooms that the most inventive puns exist, created by clever restaurateurs, shop owners – and drag queens.

A recent Buzzfeed article listed the “finest wordplay Britain has to offer” with puns “you’d only find in Britain”. The best include “Alan Cartridge” (an ink refill shop), “Hairy Pop-ins” (pet nannies), “Plaice Station” (fish and chip shop), “Spruce Springclean” (gutter and upholstery cleaning) and “Bonnie Tiler” (a tiling expert). The slightly sexist “man-with-a-van” business is almost excused for excluding women when he puns so well: “Jean Claude Van Man”; “He Van – movers of the universe”; “Toad Haul and “Jason Donervan” (kebab van) are some of the best. Florists also get creative: “Back to the Fuchsia”; “Florist Gump” and “Pick a Lily” all feature. One they missed in south London trumps them all, though: “Battersea Flower Station”.

It’s no surprise creative industries come up with some beauties. A couple that failed to make Buzzfeed’s list reflect real wordplaying flair. There’s a hairdresser’s called “Curl Up and Dye” in Leeds. And the unlikely Southend-on-Sea steals Sydney’s thunder with its salon “Blonde Dye Bleach”.

Australia produces some corkers, though. Thai restaurants are Australia’s equivalent of the local Indian – and the country name and principal cooking utensil both lend themselves to all manner of puns. “Thai Me Up”; “All Thai’d Up”; “Wok On In” and “Wok and Roll” all feature down under. Back to kebabs, and “AbraKebabra” features proudly in both Dublin and Byron Bay, New South Wales. There’s an upmarket Chinese in Sydney ironically named “Ms G’s”. I’m surprised Smeg haven’t yet opened the Sydney Harbour Fridge shop.

New York features a bar aptly called “Time Flies When You’re Drinking Rum” and – one of the best known fictional puns – “Central Perk”, the coffee shop in Friends.

Quiz team names transport us to wordplay wonderland. Tweeters produced “Quizteam Aguilera” and various slurs on the county of Norfolk (“Norfolk and chance”; “Norfolk and idea”; “Norfolk and clue”). I used to attend Myra’s Marvellous Musicals Quiz at London’s Retro Bar and the puns often hooked on Sondheim musicals: team names included “A Little Shite Music” and “Sunday in the Park with George (Michael)”.

All of the above puns are joyous. But I’d argue that drag queens host the best pun names.

“Jodie Harsh” stalks Old Compton Street in Soho, with more acerbic charisma than her namesake. Fonda Cox once performed at a civil partnership I attended. Classy. On Twitter there’s a drag queen called Jenny Talia. Sydney’s drag scene includes some of the most notorious names: Penny Tration and Tora Hymen often appear together on stage.

Throwing in two of my own creation I’ve often thought that, if I were a drag king, my alias would be Greg Arius or Luke Warm, depending on my mood.

My nomination for best pun ever? Seattle’s drag persona Tequila Mockingbird (because it’s a drunk man pretending to be a woman).

What’s your nomination for best pun of all time? Share below the line or using #bestpun on Twitter and let’s see how punny the internet can be.

Gary Nunn is a regular contributor to Mind your language. His posts appear on the last Friday of every month. Twitter: @GaryNunn1